HISTORY OR HOAX (Volume 3)
This article contains one true story from history and one false tale. Can you guess which is which? (The answer will be revealed in the next installment of the series.) The true story from Volume 2 was “When Ghosts Give You More Than the Heebie-Jeebies.”
“I’m Thinking of an Animal…”*
These days, the grandest thing a turkey can amount to is being fried in oil and plopped on the Thanksgiving table. But once, turkeys had a chance at lasting fame: being the official icon of the USA. After deciding that they didn’t want anything to do with the British and then fighting a war to prove it, the Founding Fathers decided to be like England and get a national animal. Jefferson proposed a beaver, because it would represent America’s sense of hard work. His nomination was shot down by John Adams, who said that a beaver’s giant front teeth suggested that all Americans needed a dental plan (which may be true, but it is definitely not the message one wants to send to other nations). Alexander Hamilton suggested a black bear to represent America’s fierceness. John Madison advocated for the North American Cod, but the scales were not in his favor. There is no record of what animal George Washington proposed, but I suspect it was a cherry tree. Then Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey, because it was native to America. At this point the Founding Fathers probably realized that they were all just nominating their spirit animals, and turned to history for help. The Roman empire used a golden eagle to represent great courage and military might. In an act of pseudo-plagiarism, the Founding Fathers took this eagle, gave it the misleading name “bald,” and put it on America’s national seal. Meanwhile, the truly bald bird--Franklin’s turkey--was left to the thankful stomachs of Americans.
“Shocking Scandal: Man Cooks Himself by Mistake”**
Some people fry turkeys for Thanksgiving. Others bake them for 72 hours on low heat. Then there are those few, misguided souls who cook their turkey in the microwave. Benjamin Franklin, however, wins the award for the Most Ingenious And Remarkably Stupid Way To Cook A Turkey Ever. One evening in the late 1700s, Franklin decided to host a dinner party for his friends. Since he was a compulsive inventor and electrical circuits were his thing, he planned to cook the whole meal via electricity before his amazed guests. Evening rolled around and the guests began to arrive. Franklin chose one unfortunate turkey. Using two Leyden jars, he attempted to electrocute the bird. Instead of the appetizing smell of cooked turkey, there was a loud bang accompanied by a flash of light. Franklin was transformed into Thor at the end of Thor: Ragnarok as electricity ran up and down his body. So great was the shock that Franklin actually passed out. Upon regaining consciousness, he found a stunned audience and one very grateful bird.
*Crickstone, Rory. “Odd Events in the Early Life of Our Nation.” The New Yorker, 2008.
**https://www.aps.org/publications/apsnews/200612/history.cfm.